Had to take half day off and make a special trip down to ICA this morning to get my passport renewed because I’ll be headed off to Bangkok this Friday. My bad memory and bad habit of procrastinating has finally come to bite me in the ass.
In a feeble attempt to do a social media detox, I started people watching (something I’ve always really enjoyed but for some reason, stopped doing) while I was waiting for my queue number to be called. There were so many people and everybody seemed to be there for different purposes. Some were there to register their newborn’s birth, some were there to register deaths, and others, like me, were there to renew their passports. It was as though life officially starts, continues, and ends in this building and that made me feel a little uneasy. For a moment there, I thought to myself: whether or not you’re alive is determined by a single piece of paper.
Naturally, I brushed that thought away. Too philosophical and deep (bordering on disturbing) for 9:30 in the morning.
As much as I adore WordPress, I must admit that nothing will be able to replace the spot that Dayre has in my heart. I love WordPress for its clean, minimalist look, as well as its endless customisation features, but these same reasons are also what’s stopping me from wanting to write about more pointless things, like what I had for lunch, my shitty OOTDs photos (read: dark and grainy mirror selfies) etc.
But I’ll try.
Currently writing this from the clinic in my neighbourhood because I’m down with a flu for the second time in 2 months. We’re only in the second month of 2018 and I’ve already been sick twice.
I can only pray that my luck will turn when Chinese New Year arrives but then again, I don’t have high hopes because they say that those born in the year of the monkey will have shit luck this year hahaha. Hello! That’s me! 🙋🏻♀️
The February BTO launch that Joel and I have been eyeing for so long has finally launched!
Last night, I got reminded of one of my favourite quotes from one of my favourite poems. This one in particular is by Ralph Waldo Emerson and it’s called “Give All to Love”. If you’re interested, you can go look it up.
It speaks of how Emerson thinks love should be, how one should go about loving someone else, how love changes, how love requires courage etc. It is sad in certain parts but at the same time also extremely inspiring.
Everytime I think that I’m making progress with regards to my mental well-being, you pop out and ruin everything for me. It’s like we’re playing a game of snakes and ladders; I move couple of steps forward and you force me to go back another 10.
I don’t understand why out of everybody in this house, I’m the one who has to bear the brunt of your anger, your immaturity, and your blatant disrespect of other people’s privacy and personal space. This has been going on for a good 12 years or so. Surely you must be sick of it by now?
You don’t have to constantly remind me that I am, in your words, “没有用”, that everything I do and every choice I make is wrong, that I am ugly, and insinuate that I’m unfilial. I know that I am; the demons in my head tell me that every single day so really, I don’t need you to provide me with a verbal reminder of that fact every other day.
My battle against depression and anxiety is still ongoing and has been for the past 9 going on 10 years. There’s still no signs of it improving and I’m tired of fighting, especially when you, the person who’s supposed to help me get out of this, is one of the contributing factors that I’m currently trapped fighting a losing battle.
Times like these, I tend to remind myself that nothing good ever lasts because I already know what’s going to happen the minute my mental health starts improving and it’s really no thanks to you.
What I really need right now is a permanent break from you and I don’t see how I’m able to attain that at all.
The best apology is changed behaviour.
I’m not making a mountain out of a molehill. I’m not. But everytime you shirk responsibility and shift the blame to me just reminds me of how I can never seem to satisfy you or do anything right. It’s like being hurt in the same spot over and over again. Once my wounds start to scab, you begin poking and probing at it again to make it bleed. My wounds never truly heal and even if they do, scars form.
If you repeat a lie often enough, people will believe it, and you will even come to believe it.
I just want this to end.
Fancy throwing a tantrum, glaring at me, and rolling your eyes at me the minute I get home just to show me that you’re angry. I’m not surprised that this is how you chose to “welcome” me back but this behaviour is unacceptable for someone your age. You’re a living example of the phrase “age does not define maturity”.
I hate it when people don’t respond to my texts whenever I’m confiding in them about important personal matters. It always makes me feel a little insignificant and I always end up deleting everything that I’ve sent because I don’t wish to be reminded of that feeling of inadequacy whenever I open up the messaging app.
Maybe it’s my demons talking or maybe it’s just that I’m that insecure as a person but perhaps the only way to stop feeling like this is to not confide in anyone at all?